My story of healing
I remember crying curled up in a ball on the floor. Why I was crying? I couldn’t even tell you. But I remember the crying vividly. Evanescence was playing in the background, it was always my healing music. I imagined cutting myself, but knew I couldn’t do it. I didn’t need someone to notice my pain. I just needed the pain to stop.
I built walls around myself. I built walls so I high and so strong that by the time I left high school, I had almost no friends. No one I knew was as sensitive as me. No one felt emotions so deeply and couldn’t handle being around so many people for 8 hours day. I tried to find the quiet people, the people I thought would understand me. It was okay for a while, but they were simply quiet. They didn’t feel the entire weight of the world crushing their heart every time they got upset.
So I blocked them from my heart too.
Going to college, I thought I could be a new person. I thought I could be happy, independent, carefree and liked by everyone. It was amazing pretending for a while. I made some friends. People who were calm and collected, sure of themselves and comfortable with me being emotional. But I still had my walls up. I was still being my best self, only letting them see the best parts of myself through the cracks in my inner walls.
After the first year, it was much harder pretending. There was more to worry about. School was getting more difficult. I was overwhelmed often and showed too much emotion to people who judged me for it. I found it impossible to choose a major that would then follow me for the rest of my life and my high standards parents thought I was simply partying and ruining my grades on purpose! That was probably the hardest blow of all. I thought to myself, I was so lonely in high school, is it really wrong of me to try to not be lonely now?
When I was told that my out-of-state school was too much money, I was devastated. I didn’t even have the strength to say, “I love my school. I love my friends, I finally ‘kind of’ belong somewhere!” So I left the one place I ever felt it was okay to be me.
The funny part was that it was always meant to be.
I was deeply depressed for the next year. My inner walls were so high and as strong as ever. I never left the house. I had no friends. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I tried to go to school, but I had the belief now that I wasn’t good enough so that failed too. I started a retail job and was so happy to be working in the back stock room because I could listen to music there and organize clothes all day. The simple life. I didn’t have to talk to too many people and I was really good at what I was doing.
But my walls were still very high and very strong. The cracks I had found in college were almost closed up. People couldn’t make sense of me. I was quiet and so people thought I was chill and began including me in out-of-work events. I never talked much to anyone or even tried to connect deeply, but being a quiet observant soul in a sea of drama filled extroverted early 20 somethings, people admired that I seemed so much more stable. HA. I wasn’t at all. But I had to lean on something to support myself and my walls were there.
I started college again, commuting this time. I thought I could pretend to be my old self. I tried to join organizations but my walls were too thick now. I was so defensive, so cold, and still so emotional. I didn’t know what to do with my emotions. How to feel better. Every day I woke up wishing to be different or feel better or anything.
I didn’t find people who understood me there, but I did find love. I have no idea how I was lucky enough for that. Maybe despite my walls, I was attracting something I really needed. However it happened, it was my saving grace. I had someone to hang out with all the time. Someone who wanted me there, who had a lot of friends but was still looking for someone to actually care about them. It was me! I mean, I cared about EVERYTHING, all of the time. It was so easy for me to take what someone said to heart and be really defensive. I tried to pretend words didn’t hurt me but that’s because I had no idea what else to do with the pain.
After I finished college, I felt I had a new direction in life and the support I truly craved from someone my age. I went to my master’s excited. I felt like even though I felt pain so often, at least I wasn’t a failure. At least I could pretend I was like everyone else going through life.
My saving grace was that my master’s was far enough for me to get an apartment. I loved school. I loved what I was studying. It was so interesting to me to study research. It was easy to study a lot and get good grades. It was also very lonely. I was away from my partner and had to make new friends. But I was still trying to find out how to be me. I didn’t let the first group of people in, but then I found others who were calm. They didn’t waste time caring about what other people thought and they were sure of themselves. This made it easy for me to be calm in turn and focus on not being overwhelmed, plus there was always school work to do so I never had to hang out too much and get too overwhelmed.
By the second year, I had even more time alone, but it wasn’t that lonely. I loved not being overwhelmed. I loved making my own choices and not having to think too much about other people’s. This solitude began the waterfall of realizations I had over the next two years.
I realized I was a highly sensitive person!I read Dr. Elaine Aron’s book and fell in love with myself and everything I was created to be. I began to understand that my nervous system was simply functioning at a more sensitive level than the average person and how this created numerous ripple effects in my life. I began to see how people around me were also sensitive, not as sensitive as me, but this helped me connect to them better. I learned that I could feel people’s energies. I knew how they were feeling and they appreciated the attention I paid to them. I began to understand why people always came to me for comfort. Why they always said I had really good advice for them. I learned through practicing yoga how to meditate and quiet my mind. I would have peaceful weeks instead of sporadic peaceful days for the first time in my life. My partner taught me that I could be positive about myself and who I was realizing I was. I could be proud of it.
Since then, my sensitivity has taught me so much about the world and how people develop and heal. I have learned about hypnotherapy and the power of the mind. I have learned how to heal others effectively and permanently as I have learned how to heal myself.
People have no idea how far I’ve come because I would never tell them. But I decided to be brave to let all of the sensitive and highly sensitive people out there know:
1. You are amazing.
2. You have so much power within you to be happy and help others be happy.
3. You can be a calm and sensitive person.
4. You do not always have to be overwhelmed.
5. You do not have to try to be anyone but yourself.
6. Your walls might hurt you more than you think.
7. You have more power to heal yourself than anyone else ever could.
Sensitive soul, I still work on showing love to people, but I do know that I love you. You are a gift to this world that other people are slowly beginning to see. As you understand yourself better, so does the world. Thank you for being you. Thank you for taking an interest in reading this. I hope it has helped you see the possibilities of your own life. With love always, Lisandra.
P.S: Want to find out more about how I was able to accomplish so much healing? Let’s talk!
Or message me on social media. I’m called OneSensitive just about everywhere :)